Melly Was Here

wife, mother, teacher, runner, writer, lover, fighter

Back at it and Feeling Good

on January 7, 2013

One of the things I love about being a teacher is that I get some awesome time off. I report to work 187 days out of the year. I know a lot of people believe that we have it so good because we only really work half the year, but for a teacher, the days you do work- if you are good at your job- you invest 200% of your energy, your life and your being into those days. I work half the year, but when I am at school with my students, I am ON the entire time. To be a good teacher, there is no half assing it. At school, I give it my all and then come home and give my all to my own children and husband. So, it evens out and we work the same amount as regular people (that’s what I call people who don’t teach). I am sure there are other professions who can say this too, but I have only ever been a cashier and a teacher, so I don’t know about them.

Today we all went back to school after being off for two weeks. Two glorious weeks of staying in our pajamas, playing video games, having the time to clean the house and cook dinner. Two wonderful weeks of wonderful workouts, walking the dogs and talking on the phone to friends that live far away. The boys were not happy to be going back. I had to dress Sundance because he could not muster the energy or desire to put his underwear on at 6:15 this morning. Butch was a little better about it, which surprised me because he is the biggest homebody of us all. That kid would be happy to stay in his pajamas and never leave the house.

But me, I was thrilled. I missed my little students and I knew I would be greeted with hugs and love and stories of Santa visiting and staying up late on New Year’s Eve. Of course, by 3:00, I was ready to get out of there, but the day went well. I also knew that my own children would be spending their days with some pretty awesome teachers too.

I love being a working mom. I love juggling it all and doing it well. No, my house is not perfect, I didn’t wash my hair this morning and I today I emailed Sundance’s teacher about cutting down on the homework. But, you know, I’m kind of kicking ass. My students love school, my own kids are happy and doing well. My marriage of 19 years is rock solid. I have friends who make me laugh and who always have my back. I’m training for my first marathon.

I’m happy. I put in the work and feel good about my life. As someone who manages her anxiety and depression, I can tell you it hasn’t always been that way.

There were days that I couldn’t get out of bed. Days that I did not want to be around anyone, even my own family. Days that I just wanted to hide. During that time, I had to create a new username for some website I was joining and I named myself, “Sadgurl.” Sad Girl. I could not think of one other word to describe myself but, “sad.” Not, “Smartgurl,” not, “Inlovegirl,” not, “likescheesegurl.” I could not think of ONE OTHER WORD but sad.

No one deserves to feel that way. Depression is not something that you can just snap out of. If you are reading this and you feel sad all the time or that you just wish you would come down with some horrible sickness so you could lay in a hospital bed and not have to deal with life…if you feel like you deserve to be treated badly by co workers or family members…if you feel like your kids would be better off without you….you may be suffering depression.

The best thing I did for myself was go to my doctor and fall apart. She gave me the name of a awesome therapist. I was able to talk it all out without feeling guilty. I was able to decide that starting on anti anxiety meds was something I had to try. I was able to get help and learn to manage it all.

If this is you, the first step is asking for help. Ask. Reach out. You won’t be sorry. I promise.

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