Melly Was Here

wife, mother, teacher, runner, writer, lover, fighter

The Path Ahead

Running is a head game. That’s one of the reasons I think it is so good for me. Why I love it so much.

Sometimes, I don’t think when I run. I just let my body do the work.  The sound of my music and my feet hitting the pavement is all I need some days.

Sometimes, I think.

I’ll start running and pick a point on the road up ahead. I’ll visualize something that I want to accomplish up on the path, impeding my way. For example, when Lance and I were trying to get out of debt, I would visualize the logo of a creditor. It would be a big glass block right in the middle of the path. I would look at it as I ran towards it. Then, when I reached it, I would crash through it, breaking it all to bits. Then, I would keep running, stomping on the pieces until they were gone. Then, I’d do it again. I’d choose the word, “depression,” and smash that all to bits. I’d choose, “anxiety,” or “sadness.” And I’d smash those too. You know what? Lance and I are out of debt and I am managing my depression and anxiety.

20140104-165719.jpg

These days, I don’t do so much smashing. These days, I do more lifting. I visualize running with people in my life who may be struggling. And, I visualize whatever it is they are dealing with – a word or a symbol – and we run toward that together. Then, I give them a boost so they can jump over it. Or, if it’s something that I am struggling with or wanting to accomplish, I jump over it.

I do still do some smashing. I picture a huge, “AU,” in my path.  “AU,” stands for, “autism.” It’s big and it’s thick and it’s in my way. Often my baby boy, Sundance, is running with me.  AU is in our damn way. And we run and we smash that son of a bitch all to pieces. It doesn’t go down easy, but we run and we stomp and we destroy it.

So, needless to say,  I cry when I run. Or I smile and laugh or yell and curse.  And, when I get home I always feel better than I did before.   Always.

Leave a comment »

Setting My Goals by the Way I Define Myself – Writer

This is the post I have been dreading.  This is when it gets real.  This post is the one I have to take a long hard look at myself and ask me, “What the heck, Melly?”

Writer.  Out of all the words I use to describe myself, this is the one that is the oldest.  I have thought of myself this way since the third grade.  Ms. Ulbrich, my third grade teacher, had us write children’s books.  I wrote a story about a little boy looking for the end of the rainbow.  It was awesome.  It got published in the school literary magazine.  I realized that I was a writer.  And, not a bad one either.

My whole life, I have jotted down notes.  Phrases and sentences that came to my mind or that I over heard and I thought were beautiful.  Notes about people who I’ve met that inspire me.  A lady with a yellow diamond, telling me that it was the color of her son’s eyes.  A little girl making up a song about a chicken walking through the snow.  My own son, being so misunderstood by those around him.

I have always loved words and understood their power to inspire or devastate.

But, Melly the Writer comes dead last in time and importance.

That;s why I started this blog last year.  To exercise my writing muscle.  To get that part of me back.  She’s there, I know she is.

But, I haven’t been writing.  I just haven’t.  It laziness.  I need to put in the time to pursue this love of mine.

My goals as a writer is to keep reading good stuff.   All good writers need to read good writing.

Also, I need  to keep writing here for now.  To try to get back to where I was.  I used to be a better writer.  I want to be good again.

There is certainly no lack of inspiration in my life.

3 Comments »

I Got The Fever

This time of year kills me. Spring Fever. The weather gets nice, the yard gets green and it dawns on me that summer vacation is just weeks away. All I want to do is sit in my back yard and read. Or run. Or daydream. Sundance has homework to do and I just cannot bring myself to make him sit down and do it. Butch hasn’t done his chores yet, but I kind of don’t care. We all have things we’d rather be doing. I would rather wander around in the backyard, snipping herbs and trimming the roses. I would rather turn on the hose and water the grass. Or open all the windows and lay on my bed.

earnestpond

At school, my body aches to be outside. I can’t blame my students for not wanting to focus on lessons. They do not want to sit and listen. They want to be at the playground or the pool, the ballpark or the zoo. They can feel it in the air: Spring is here.

I can’t focus either.

On anything. I don’t want to pay bills or answer emails. I don’t want to lesson plan or cook. I certainly don’t want to do my taxes or enter assessment data. I have all this nervous energy and there are so many things I want to do, but it is impossible for me to focus on any one thing – so I do nothing. Which makes me feel even more restless and even a little bad about myself.

This is the time of year I daydream about giving up teaching and being a writer. My books are so successful, we can afford to move to acreage in the country. I look out the huge picture window in my office for inspiration. I have video conferences with my agent and sit behind my desk so she can’t see I haven’t put pants on. I take time off from writing to volunteer at the boys’ school (for that, I wear pants). I go work at the coffee shop to get out of the maid’s hair so she can clean (hey, it’s a day dream, ok?).

All of this nervous energy (and my inability to channel it) exhausts me. And I find the only thing I am capable of doing well at all is counting down the days to summer vacation. To when I can spend my days doing what I want and not feel guilty.

58.

Leave a comment »

Dreaming is Free

dreamboard

My school district believes very much in college readiness, in getting students to set goals for themselves and work toward those goals.  To, “Begin With the End in Mind.”   Every year, schools all over the district have a Dream Board Night.  Families come and create dream boards.  Everyone puts down on paper their goals and their dreams.  Even the teachers.  This year, all the teachers at my school have been taking turns sharing boards at every Monday  staff meeting.  Today, I shared mine.  I have it hanging in my office so I can look at it and remember why I am doing the things that I do.  So that when the going gets tough, I am reminded that all the hard work will pay off one day.   As a visual person, it is very powerful.

I have career goals (to publish a children’s book, work at the Smithsonian and become High/Scope certified), travel goals (Yosemite and Yellowstone with my family),  leisure goals (running and app writing) to name a few.

What are your goals and dreams?  What do you want to work for?  What are you waiting for!?!

Leave a comment »